2 guaranteed ways to solve any conflict.

In the next 2 days, we're gonna talk about 2 sure fire ways to solve any conflict. 

Now thats a big claim isn't it? 

Ya! I know. 

But I really do believe that these 2 principles I'm gonna lay out [one today and another tomorrow] have the potential to resolve virtually all conflicts thanks to the Apostle James. 

Why don't we test my claim?

Please perform this exercise: I want you to think of a conflict/fight or quarrel you've had recently. Maybe something with your dad, roommate, husband, co-worker e.t.c. 

The worse the conflict, the better. [As long as you can reminisce without punching a hole through your monitor]. 

Okay, got it? Feeling anxious? Heart racing? Getting angry replaying the scene? Can't stop thinking of zingers for your next confrontation? 
Alright. Perfect. 

Now, here's what's gonna happen. 

Even though I don't know the what, why's or any other details about your conflict, I'm gonna tell you why you got in that argument/fight/quarrel. 

James 4:1-2
1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.

In other words, James is saying you experience conflict because you're not getting what you want. Thats it. 

Every conflict boils down to this one truth: You're not getting what you want. 

But they were 'wrong' and 'unfair' and she said 'this' but did 'that' and they just don't get it.
I know. And you're probably right. 

But here's the thing, even when you're right and they are wrong, the reason you’re fighting is STILL because you aren't getting what you want. 

You want him to think __ and he isn’t. 
You want her to start doing ____ or stop doing ____. 
You want them to understand you. You want him to love you. You want her to respect you. 

You're not getting what you want. That's practically the bottom line in almost every fight and quarrel.

By the way, If you disagree with this principle and are getting so fired up to tell me why your case is an exception, please note that the reason you feel that way is because you want something.

You want me to understand that your case is unique and I don’t, so that bothers you because... 
You're not getting what you want.

See? No matter how you slice it, much of our conflict boils down to us wanting something and not getting. 

So what does this mean practically? 

Glad you asked. 

Next time you're in conflict and things are about to escalate, I want you to stop and say this phrase out loud. 

You know what the problem is? I'm just not getting what I want. 

Are you kidding me Sammy? You want me to admit that out loud?

Yes. I want you to forget/ignore the fluff, take the gloves off and simply cut to the heart of the matter.

You know what the problem is? I'm just not getting what I want. 

Those words don’t outright solve the problem but what it does do is give you a little more time on the ticking time bomb that’s about to blow up.

Its one of the hardest words you’ll ever say but it works. Thoughts on this principle?

Tomorrow we'll talk more about 'the problem' itself but for today, I want you to take a baby step towards this principle.

Think back to that last conflict you thought of earlier. Don't worry about who was right or wrong or why it happened. I just want to know, what was it that you REALLY wanted?

Me first. I wanted to be understood and I wanted you to sympathize with me. Your turn.